The atonement, my life to His.

Going through the divorce, the pain became unbearable. I needed a way to cope. I wasn't in such a dire position that I'd consider the worst, but it got bad enough that I needed help. This had become more than I could get through, on my own. I had seen a counselor, which helped immensely. However, after a few years, I realized that it wasn't enough. I needed more help. I needed divine help. I remembered back to when I first began to realize that divorce was the only option, my now ex-wife would accept. I asked my good friend and neighbor for a blessing. He had just been made bishop. So when I asked for help. He and his first counselor came over to give me a blessing. I believe that blessings don't conclude when their hands are removed, that the inspiration from the spirit can continue to flow. This time was no exception. The advice came through Justin, his first counselor. Ha said something along the lines that he didn't exactly know how, but that the atonement can be applied in situations like this. I was left to ponder and to pray. How could the atonement apply in this situation? I wasn't asking for forgiveness. There was no sin on my part. 

It took years of trying to do it my way before the realization finally came to me. It was there all along but I was meant to figure it out, to learn through experience, how it applies. It couldn't just be handed to me, I had to learn. Trying to move on with life, trying to find a better relationship, be a better father and eventually, husband. Like I was commanded in my patriarchal blessing. But I was trying to do it MY way, which was the problem. I had to learn to do it His way.

Despite my best efforts, it wasn't working. The thought briefly crossed my mind, I could end the pain and leave this life. But I knew better, I am an eternal being. Ending this life would only make things worse in the next for me and far worse for my family and friends left behind. The thought was quickly removed, I couldn't do that to my kids. Besides, I didn't go through all the hell I had as a kid and survived all that BS to only come this far.

Through much pain and anguish, I was finally learning my lesson. Through many a broken heart. Optimism and joy were replaced with sorrow. The sorrow filled my heart to the breaking point. I had nothing left to give anyone, let alone myself. My heart had been drained until it was shriveled and shattered. The low of lows. I had nothing left to give. It had boiled down to two choices, get bitter or get better. I sought the counsel of my Father in heaven more earnestly than I ever had. My Enos moment had arrived. I desperately prayed unceasingly for guidance, for understanding, strength and help. 

This is when it finally dawned on me. This is how the atonement can apply in this situation! After I've given my all, I can give the rest to Him and He'll take up the slack. I gave Him the portions of my burdens, my bitterness, my sorrows and my regrets that I didn't have the strength to carry. That is when the miracle happened. He happily relieved the crushing weight that bore me down.

For the next days, weeks and months, in as sincere a prayer as I could each day, I dedicated myself and offered up my life to His. Everything that I am, everything that I was, everything that I will become. Finally realizing that He could do far more with my life than I could ever imagine. Finally understanding that unlike the adversary, He wouldn't leave me empty, broken and alone. That He wanted to bless me with Happiness, Joy and Fulfillment beyond my wildest dreams. All I needed to do was to give up the control I thought I had over my life and join my soul, to His. To be obedient to His commandments. To promise throughout my life, to live and do the things He wanted me to do, whenever it was requested of me. I had learned that there was so much more happiness in doing His will than in doing my own. 

So, I wrote Him a blank check for my soul. Whether that be to the fate of eternal damnation or worse, nothingness. Or to the eternal servitude as a laborer in His vineyard. Whatever He wants me to do, I am ready and willing to do. Whatever He wants me to be, I will rise to the occasion and be. (Not that God would ever consider leaving me damned.)

What He gave me was far more than I could have ever imagined. (First you need to understand that His kingdom, is not in this physical realm, not the way we typically understand.) He offered me a seat at His table. A room in His house. A plot in His garden. And eventually, one of His loyal daughters to wife. A growing stewardship over a portion of His flock. Starting with the kids He so dearly blessed me with in this mortal existence. What a responsibility. What a blessing!!!

With this blessing came a responsibility, another bit of understanding and realization. That He cares for and loves even my ex. Even on the path she is on, it has been required of me to be patient with her. Showing kindness and compassion where I felt none were deserved. Nonetheless, not my will, but His be done. And when I inquired as to why? The answer came that she is yet one of His daughters. That where she is right now in her life's path, doesn't reflect where she may be in the eternities. 

The atonement applies to all of us, indiscriminately. It is not for us to judge someone based on where they are in this moment in time. We don't know peoples future. That junkie begging on the street, who today is just looking to get high, may end up serving as a bishop one day. That prostitute may one day lead the charge with something that benefits all of humanity or reveal a heavenly truth to us all. To us, it has been commanded to love, period. 

Mosiah 23:7 "Ye shall not esteem one flesh above another, or one man shall not think himself above another;" 

“Imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. This must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it.”

― Jeffrey R. Holland

It doesn't matter which political party they belong to, what part of God's green earth they're from. Gay, straight, republican, democrat or just an asshole. Whether they're a prophet or a porn star, a monk or a murderer. We're supposed to love them. That is our commandment, to love.