For my kids: 20 years ago this month - The A.P.

My inner most desire is to follow the deep inspiration of my heart, often referred to as following the spirit. To me, agency is what we are supposed to use to make our daily decisions. However, every once in a while we are faced with a more difficult and challenging decision and if we sincerely take that concern to the depth of our heart and are humble enough to ask our creator for guidance, and then listen, the outcome can be miraculous. Through consistent little decisions like this, made better through divine guidance, our lives can be directed towards a miraculous path.

When I was serving my mission I once had a senior companion whose focus was on following the rules to a "T". One day he decided we were going to simply stay outside contacting all day long, getting our assigned "hours" in. The goal was made to give away a book of Mormon. We street contacted unsuccessfully all day. We spent hours on our feet, nearly running between people on the street trying to find a potential investigator. It was exhausting. My companion began getting irritated with my pestering that we were not following the spirit. Towards the end of the day and frustrated, he finally relented and allowed me do it "my way". Which was to follow the spirit. I started leading our efforts with a prayer between my companion and I. Within the following ten minutes, we gave away not one but two Books of Mormon that included a basic first discussion.

This was a struggle that I was faced with several times throughout my service as a missionary.

Here is another example that taught me to follow the spirit. Twenty years ago this month, I earned a spot as a companion to the assistant to the President. I feel this was because I was seen as a trouble maker because I didn't share the more common enthusiasm for following the rules. Rules that varied with time or even from mission to mission. Rules that to me, had nothing to do with following the spirit. For example, at the end of a long day, I would put on headphones and listen to music to decompress. The music I listened to was unapproved, yet to me, it was uplifting and inspiring. This was my outlet and how I dealt with the stress and frustrations of the day. Our rules were very strict however on what was "approved" and what wasn't. This along with my lack of enthusiasm to follow other rules, made me a "bad missionary" in the eyes of some of my peers.

To me, rules are great general guidelines for day to day matters. However, I feel God gifted us with, and expects us to use our intelligence and agency to not only understand why we have specific rules, but when it's okay to bend or even sometimes break those rules or guidelines. There is indeed a gray area in life. It can vary greatly from day to day and even person to person. Which is why having a judgmental attitude can be so detrimental to helping others who are trying. Doing what is right by the rules compared to doing what is right by the spirit can and frequently do conflict.

Take for example the parable of the good Samaritan:

"A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead. And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side. But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him, And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him. And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee."

I compare it to putting out a forest fire. There are going to be areas where you need to back burn an entire field in order to create a border to keep the forest fire from spreading. Sometimes we need to take a step back and manage the bigger issues in our lives in order to prevent a more catastrophic disaster. Listening to music for me, was an outlet that helped me deal with daily frustration. Another example, when raising kids, trying to control everything they do, such as keeping the house clean, getting their homework done and a plethora of other things in order so that they don't make any mistakes. This can impede not only theirs but our own progression. You might get burn-out from trying to manage every detail and control everything so it's perfect. The answer might simply be to take a step back and relax to collect your thoughts. Be willing to take time for yourself when you need it. Go take a bath, meditate, go for a walk, take time to breathe and relax so you don't end up saying or doing something you regret. Something that might tear down or hurt another person. Sure the homework might not get done, the house will get messy. You might even end up with holes in the walls or worse.

While it may not make sense, from an outside perspective to start a field on fire, to disobey certain rules or to let the kids fail an assignment or destroy the nice clean house. But isn't it more important to prioritize love for one another or even ourselves, instead of perpetuating anger, control and frustration? To me, being careful with someones feelings, including my own are far more important. When burn-out, raising my voice or expression anger are avoidable, I try to take the steps necessary to keep balance. Keep the bigger perspective in mind. Even though sometimes may break a rule or defy logic from an outside perspective.

For example, on my mission, not waking up on time was against the rules. So is murder. Knowing the difference in severity is vital when it comes to overall obedience. And just because someone doesn't wake up on time or listens to music, does not make them a bad missionary.

The AP companion was very strict about following the rules and "getting your numbers". So much so that I feel it impeded his ability to follow the spirit. I often had to run in order to just keep up with him. His pace reminded me of the adage, don't go faster than your guardian angel can fly. He was very dedicated to serving and didn't want to waste a minute of the Lords time. Somewhat frustrated with his perspective, I confronted him about how he wasn't very approachable at his pace. That he was likely scaring people away because of it. Frustrated with my stance one day while street contacting, he eventually relented and allowed me to lead our searching efforts. With a prayer between my companion and I, I felt directed to make our way to a nearby park. Tsaristina park. It is a beautiful and popular park on the grounds of an unfinished castle. Walking along at a leisurely pace my companion became noticeably uneasy at my slower pace and became agitated. I persisted to follow the spirit when it guided and directed our path, eventually pointing to sit on a park bench. This was quite contrary to what my companion felt we should be doing. I sat down and he immediately asked, what are we doing? Not sure how to respond, I stated the obvious, "Sitting", I replied. Although protesting, he eventually gave in and we sat for a few minutes. After what must have seemed forever to my companion. Along came Andre, a tall, scruffy, metal worker dressed in a leather jacket and chains. He looked as though he belonged to a scary biker gang. After he and I made eye contact, I blurted out, "Hi!, wanna chat?" To which he happily replied, "Sure!" In the short time the AP and I were companions, Andre took all of the discussions and was baptized shortly after.

Following the spirit was something I refused to deviate from. Had we been going at my companions pace that day, we might have never met Andre or we'd likely have outrun him or perhaps been unapproachable at the pace my companion preferred.

This was taken at one of the discussions. Andre loved playing chess and we would enjoy a game or two at these discussions.

This was taken at Andre's baptism. He was such a gentle giant. An interesting observation to note is how unapproachable he seemed based on the clothes he wore and how that can impact the impression of those around us. I had no bias with whom I made contact or fear of being pummeled to the ground. With this attitude, I'm sure I was assigned an extra guardian angel or two. But I was able to make a difference where others might not have.

To me the message is simple, follow the spirit with love in your heart.

At the end of the month long companionship with the AP, he sent me a package with a note apologizing for his "sorry attitude". Along with the note, he gifted me his walkman. He had gained an appreciation that my listening to music, had no bearing on what kind of a missionary I was.

Inspired leaders:

We once had a visit from our regional authority that gave me a sense of comfort that I was doing it right. The two Moscow missions met together to hear him speak. His message was pure, simple and filled with love. The gist of his message, follow the spirit. It felt so good to hear this message. Up until this point I had felt somewhat ostracized from many other missionaries who were focused on rules and numbers. There was an immense focus to "get your numbers". ie: Baptisms, investigators, discussions, Books of Mormon given away. Hours spent contacting or hours spent doing service. This bothered me. To me, I dedicated two years of my life to help people, to serve them. To me that meant following the deep inspiration of my heart, or following the spirit. When the meeting opened up to Q and A. There was a focus from the body of missionaries on numbers and deep doctrinal questions to which his reply was "Oh I don't know, ask your mission Presidents". Then he redirected the discussion back to following the spirit. This was so liberating to me. My focus was in line with his. Following the spirit trumps focusing on numbers.

While I certainly wasn't the best at following all the rules like getting to bed on time, waking up on time. Getting all of your hours in etc. I was excellent at following the spirit. I followed the advice of my patriarchal blessing, which was to have a love for the people. This was easy, I have lots of love to give. I don't worship rules or religious culture. I worship God. I serve how I see he would want me to serve. Which is as Christ did. "Serve the people, have a love for them." This is the line from my patriarchal blessing that was my mantra throughout my mission. I'm pretty certain Christ didn't have to turn in a monthly report mapping out his progress. But I have no doubt that he followed the promptings of the spirit in all that he did. This is what I strove for while serving my mission and this is still what I strive for today. Sometimes it's not easy, especially on occasions when the feelings and inspiration received, go contrary to popular opinion or religious culture. If you take anything away from this super long post, let it be this; Follow your heart, for on the heart of all of Gods creatures and creations is written his law. The law of Love. I believe it's in our genetics. Written in the line code of our DNA. It can't be denied because it's who we are to the very core.

I love that President Nelson's message is still the same, twenty years later. Doing away with numbers, shifting the entire body of the church to a focus on following the spirit.

This is a photo I wasn't supposed to get and didn't plan on. I simply wanted to thank him for his inspiring message that day and to confirm to him that the message he gave was exactly what I needed to receive. A former companion ran up and quickly grabbed this shot before I knew what had happened.

“Imagine the miracle of it, whatever our Church calling, we can pray to our Heavenly Father and receive guidance and direction, be warned about dangers and distractions, and be enabled to accomplish things we simply could not do on our own.”

-President Russell M. Nelson

As an added bonus, here is a picture of my AP companion breaking a rule or taboo by pouring wine for an investigator who loved smoking cigars and drinking wine while we enjoyed our philosophical discussions.